I moved mountains to make a work trip to NYC happen last week.
Two Wendy Road dinners on two consecutive nights with a full day conflict resolution offsite with co-founders squeezed in between.
I was overwhelmed going into the week, and by the time 9pm rolled around and our second dinner was ending, I was…exhausted. Several of our guests were still enjoying themselves, but I said farewell and left. In my head, I had done what was needed…co-hosted a dinner that lasted from 6-9pm.
The next morning, I woke up to a Slack from my co-founder that said, in a very kind way, “hey, I know you have a lot going on this week, but we should really be the last ones to leave our dinners.”
I immediately felt triggered and defensive. Here were the thoughts running through my head…
I made it here, against all odds! I showed up and stayed for both dinners!
This is unreasonable!
I’m frustrated and annoyed!
Then, I reminded myself of the truth trigger. It comes from the must-read Thanks for the Feedback by Doug Stone and Sheila Heen. You can watch them speak about it here: https://youtu.be/SggjK0Gm3I4?si=Xm9DCWNhr2rHipPv
Essentially, when we receive feedback that is difficult, we often experience a trigger - truth, relationship or identity.
I was immediately feeling my truth trigger pulled. What does that mean? It means I knew, deep down in my gut, that she was right. The feedback she was giving me was true. I needed to hear it. And yet confronting that reality is harder than being defensive.
When I got over myself, and realized that she was right, I was so grateful for the feedback. But also, I realized that I had done this to myself.
I had committed to too much to be able to show up well in each instance.
The more I reflected on it, the more I realized this wasn’t really about leaving dinner early.
It was about making commitments I couldn’t fully honor. And she was calling me in.
When we overcommit, we don’t just stretch ourselves thin, we lower the quality of the experiences that matter most. We start aiming for “good enough” instead of asking what excellence actually requires.
But the best friends are the pains in the ass that tell us, good enough ain’t enough!
They protect the standard even when it’s uncomfortable.
They tell you the truth before resentment has a chance to grow. They care more about who you’re becoming than whether you’ll like what they have to say at the moment.
Keep these people close.
Because the people who hold you accountable are usually the people most invested in your success.
Who in your life loves you enough to tell you the truth? And are you listening when they do?
Speaking of accountability….
We have a new course at ScaleJOY called On Accountability!
In this course, participants learn practical frameworks to diagnose performance challenges, assess trust and performance, distinguish between accountability for inputs and outputs, and build systems that “inspect what they expect.”
Through case studies and interactive exercises, your team will actually learn how to create a culture of accountability.
If you’d like us to facilitate this as a workshop for managers or as a keynote at an offsite, we’d love to talk! You can email me here to discuss more: [email protected]